The seeds that suddenly scattered quickly slipped away
Following their deep color, we’ll watch over them
soon, again -

They came back to the palm of my hand
Like this, they’re too light and unreliable to climb back up

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

If I let it dry up, in an instant, it’ll be over
But I won’t let go of hope

Cheap scenes in my mind, lined up neatly
I’ll forget the things I’ve been forgetting anyhow
And record them

A place where no one stares back at you
And yet, I want someone to know that I was here

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
There’s no meaning to making excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it flickered

The vague and practical world, carefully examined and discarded,
Was hopelessly taking root

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
It doesn’t make sense to make excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it began

The seeds that suddenly scattered quickly slipped away
Following their deep color, we’ll watch over them
soon, again -

They came back to the palm of my hand
Like this, they’re too light and unreliable to climb back up

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

If I let it dry up, in an instant, it’ll be over
But I won’t let go of hope

Cheap scenes in my mind, lined up neatly
I’ll forget the things I’ve been forgetting anyhow
And record them

A place where no one stares back at you
And yet, I want someone to know that I was here

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
There’s no meaning to making excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it flickered

The vague and practical world, carefully examined and discarded,
Was hopelessly taking root

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
It doesn’t make sense to make excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it began

The seeds that suddenly scattered quickly slipped away
Following their deep color, we’ll watch over them
soon, again -

They came back to the palm of my hand
Like this, they’re too light and unreliable to climb back up

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

If I let it dry up, in an instant, it’ll be over
But I won’t let go of hope

Cheap scenes in my mind, lined up neatly
I’ll forget the things I’ve been forgetting anyhow
And record them

A place where no one stares back at you
And yet, I want someone to know that I was here

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
There’s no meaning to making excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it flickered

The vague and practical world, carefully examined and discarded,
Was hopelessly taking root

The world is cold. Steal away a fever
The dazzling sunshine just isn’t enough
The memories I touched shut away the future
Shake off that temperature, somewhere far away

Doubting fiction, I looked out over my surroundings
It doesn’t make sense to make excuses to yourself
That day, next to you, we laughed together
The feeling from that blue time is real, and

It was formed in the shape of an irreversible choice
Maybe it began

misanthropic • /ˌmɪs(ə)nˈθrɒpɪk/
        “Having or showing a dislike of other people.”

Working as a retailer in a shop for time, i began to develop a far less romantic view of the indiviual. What was once the honourable citizen, the friendly neighbour and the out-of-towner soon became this faceless horde of beaten down and fearful creatures, angered at the world or their wife or whoever was in charge. More often than not this anger was directly placed on the me (a common retail worker), when i pretty much act as a voluntary hostage paid to take an emotional beating with a smile. While working there, lonely 50 years olds would take up considerable hours ranting about the promise of there country leader and the failures of globalization. One particular man opened the conversation with a discussion on the strange weather and that he should definitely start preparing for winters and then go on over a vitriolic manifesto on the hoax of climate change and Greta Thurnberg. I poiltely nodded my head and bagged out his remaining items.

Now we’re all pretty accustomed to the public rage displayed by human beings, these stories are common thanks to twitter and subreddits like r/publicfreakout. Men and women, mad at the changing times and, perhaps, the sense that they live in a world slipping from their grasp, launched animalistic assaults on minimum wage workers. It’s diffcult not to feel misanthropic in viewing these encounters. Of course I always try to focus on the good, not everyone is a range-fuelled self-entitled toddler living in a middle aged body. There are plenty of examples of the good in human nature. The selfless sacrifies we often see in headlines, of the man who lost his life in order to save a drowning child or even just listining to lex speak (hehehehe). But all this does is further confuse me. What are we exactly? Good or bad? Rational or primitive? And is it perhaps more rational to be primitive, to untangle this gordian knot of conflicting ideologies and values and simply exist as animals?

In both instances of human at their best and worst, I can’t help but see myself in thier place. Whether it’s the bloodthirsty, the priestly, the professional or the impoverished, we all share these common impulses of fear and hunger and necessity. Most importantly, there’s this desperate struggle towards self-justification. Wether or not any of us find an eventual reason to stay, it’s reasonable to conclude that not a single person asked to be here to begin with. Now we just try to our best to share crowded spaces, sweating and spitting and squeezing together so we can go about our days and find a little sanctitiy. It’s as if the proliferation of all of these different systems and ideologies and radical views has reveled the most entrenched commonalities between us. A twitching anxious mass of flesh and symbols shifts across this strange planet, conusming (mostly) and fighting (mostly) and praying in some sort of vague attempt to justify its presence on this Earth.

Despite our self-obsession we rarely learn anything about ourselves. Except, perhaps, the mere knowledge that we would greatly prefer being someone or something else. But this is where the good comes in, art and culture and the advancement of human complexity emerges in this proclivity towards escapism. This condition we have to dominate and subjugate our world in order to suit our desire for significance only produces further alienation. None of us can agree on that which justifies our existence, and so some of us flee from the problem all-together. We create art and fall in love to escape from ourselves. All we have is each other and all that’s left to do is to create.

Yeah, I think I lost my emotions
The last time I got ghosted, yeah
Emptiness inside my head like Walking Dead
I’m just tryna go through the motions
But I wake up every day like “oh, shit”
“I forgot to give a fuck about my friends!”

Most days I can’t remember what I did the day before
I probably just sat in my bed
Leaving empty monsters on the floor, yeah
And life’s a constant fucking dream
A stupid indie movie scene
I wanna wake up
God, please, I wanna wake up

Slow it down, keep a distance (Get the fuck away)
I still see you on my timeline
Lied when I said I missed us
But we can never be on my time
Clocked out in a wishing well
Overstayed my welcome
And go like you kiss and tell
You were always selfish, childish
The wildest way to break a heart

I’ve got so much on my mind
I don’t wanna talk about it
Keep my problems trapped inside
I don’t wanna talk about it
Run around like all the time
I don’t wanna talk about it
‘Cause I’ve got so much left to find
(I’ve got so much left to find)

Come take my brain out from my head
It won’t change a thing, words left unsaid
Pushed around too much, been collecting dust
I don’t think I’ll let it happen again
And I’m scared of growing up
I made plans and now I’m stuck
Come fly away tonight, no use in saying goodbye
When everybody’s rooting for the other guys

And I swore I’d never look back
Down the barrel of this gun
I wasted nights out by the ocean side
‘Cause I just wanted to have some fun
But it’s all luck now and I’m stuck on this track
But I’ve been making my way down
I guess that’s all for now

Yeah, I think I lost my emotions
The last time I got ghosted, yeah
Emptiness inside my head like Walking Dead
I’m just tryna go through the motions
But I wake up every day like “oh, shit”
“I forgot to give a fuck about my friends!”

I’ve got so much on my mind
I don’t wanna talk about it
Keep my problems trapped inside
I don’t wanna talk about it
Run around like all the time
I don’t wanna talk about it
Cause I’ve got so much left to find
(I’ve got so much left to find)

morbid • /ˈmɔːr.bɪd/
        “Too interested in unpleasant subjects, especially death”

“I’ve always wanted to be a spectator. Like how in games, when you die, you go into spectator mode. You don’t exist, but you still get to watch and move around wherever you want. Its also like reading a book, you’re a spectator to the characters inside. Just tagging along by their side without having to exist and experience the problems. I think that’s what turned into a real bad habit of daydreaming too often. And now I’m too lost in my head. I need something to nail me down to reality.”

A rarely discussed but commonly felt desire is to simply not exist. This should of course be distinguished from it’s far more violent and permanent cousin; an act that admittedly still holds tightly to this longing for nothingness. But the former sensation is far more vague. To not have to experience this anymore. To never have been born. To go to sleep forever. I feel it when I’m embarrassed or ashamed. Social rejection, isolation, parties with strangers. Sometimes, at it’s heaviest, it springs forth from the paranoid pondering of solitary thought: would I want to live on a dying Earth? Am I a burden to others? Am I enough?

Sometimes I simply find myself condomned within a mind of misery and anguish, with no apparent point of origin to these insufferable feelings. Within me emerges a deep longing to not be there and, somtimes, to not be anywhere. In this moments the hypothetical comfort of losing all awareness and sensation can be a little too inviting. Which is quite strange in a sense. In the presence of immense suffering and discomfort, we find this capacity to fetishize oblivion. “Fetish” is an appropriate word here as it denotes the obsessive and frantic pursuit of a fantasy that will likely fail to live up to it’s hype. However the persuit itself, the felishization, is already of such an immense degree that this promise of dissatisfaction is soon forgotten. And the struggle continues. But with this unique pursuit towards nothingness we reach a radical attempt at this fantasy of non-being. If we succeed, we will never experience it fully and that’s kind of a point. We won’t be satisfied. We simply won’t be anything.

“I just want to be a rock at the beach for 400 years, and then try life again.”

But the espace hatch is always there. All that’s needed are few carefull drawn out plans and more often than not some substance of pacification. The idea that one could step out, the fetishized alternative to finally exit lingers at every corner of self-hatred, boredom, despair and fatigue. I suppose it’s this feeling that we have some autonomy, despite it all we have a say in the matter. But I’m always several steps behind from the practical planning process, and the moment of longing rarely lasts. It make so little sense. One moment of freedom for an eternity of nothing permanent silence. Is this a worthy sacrifice?

I think not.

There are enough paths to experience this ‘nothingness’ while still being able to stick around. Sure there are those mini-deaths we engage in when life becomes too much. I scroll instagram and plunge into conscious of nothingness. But rarely do i feel better afterwards. These small retreats from torment do little in the face of this godly ability to self-reflect on my own insignificane.

Fortunately there’s also just enough moments I’ve experienced in my life that have made me feel this prospect of escape and simultaneously feel a preference for being over nothingness, if that makes sense. Moments of the sublime, of pure awe in the face of somthing larger than myself. I’m nothing in the presence of a beautiful song or piece of art or moments of shared connection between friends or making something that others enjoy and perhaps even relate to. Those fleeting seconds that force me to stare into the fragility of it all; to relize that being itself is pure chance. My existense is a brief moments awake. I’m barely anything to being with, and that’s perfectly fine. Because at every moment awaits some beautiful potentiality I am not yet prepared for, and I know this because I have experienced it before. But if I give up now there’s no going back. Non-existense will come to me soon enough. So why not stick it out for just a little bit longer?

January brings home to me
A newness beyond just the time of the year.
Clouds have parted in ways I thought never to see;
Things are, in this moment, like i never imagined them to be.
A cardinal alights on a chair.
The world is transcendentally fair.

I speaks, and she just doesn’t hear.
It’s a novel dynamic that sings in the air.
I half expect God, full in light, to appear.
Yet I wonder inside: could I still shed a tear?
I’m not good, but it’s strange to feel free
When I grew from that uncertainty.

There’s no other time to compare
When Fate’s coin spun with such possibility.
I know it must fall but I cannot know where.
But I’ll muse on my hopes while I watch for the snare.
And for now: the car’s off, not in gear.
I’ll just wait and sit here.

I walk an empty street
Beneath a light-polluted sky
Not a star to be seen
When first I look up high

within dark, lonely cloud
A white light does emerge
But when I place my hand to it
I feel no want nor urge

At night I do not dream—
The spark is all but dead
Of curiosity
That once beamed in my head

Beyond the man-made shroud
I swear the stars still live
But in my heart I fear
We’ve squandered God’s best gift

limerence • /ˈlɪmɪrəns/
        “An acute onset, unexpected, obsessive attachment to one person.”

“When I fall in love, it is not because the beloved is the one who best satisfies my needs - the fall into love redefines who I am, it redefines my need and potentials… it cannot be explained by previous secrect fantasies to which the beloved fits”

Life is pretty boring without a crush whether it’s a workplace infatuation or that cute desk mate at school, crushes simultaneously color your experience with the hopeful glaze of innocent infatuation and orient you to specific goal to be with them. Somtime these feelings extend beyond all rationality, we might develop them within the panicked scurrying of public terminals or within the ethereal eroticism of our very dreams. No matter the actual potential of anything developing it is within the painful absence and reciprocation. The dramatics of unrequired love the underscores the intensity of crush we yearn and yearn even to the point of sleepless torment. The exact feeling I felt over years.

I had a massive crush on a girl for years, we were what I would call friends, but most of our friendship consisted of online texting and casual encounter here and there and funny enough I use to day dream about her all the time. Then last year out of nowhere I randomly texted her and we started like actually talking-talking and it felt as if the doors of heaven had opened, it was as if all my illusion and dreams could finally come true. But since I have been idealizing her for these many years I had uncertainty over my feeling, is it truly love or is it just me idealizing her for merely the attention over me? Now this made me feel terribly guilty, as if I was betraying her for not being able to love her fully.

However, we still talk and luckily we hung out couple of times. “Oh, she’s a real person after all, she’s not a product of my imagination” That’s what I thought everytime I saw her. And then, after getting to know her in a real, context I can say that I fell in love with her as she truly is.

But the things were not going well, I think she felt bit uncomfortable around me due to my stubborn awkward behaviour which was counter reaction of neverousness that I felt around her I used to second guess everything like what if she did not like it, what if I sound stupid etc. So, after realizing that I might lose her, I started to feel extremely anxious and disoriented. I was under so much stress that all of my insecurities that I was so desperately trying to hide, shouted on my face. At this point it felt like all my fears were coming true.

I told her how I was feeling and wrote her few letters but then she simply rejected me and out of blue ghosted me. I still think I rushed her over this, but she didn’t have the same level of commitment that I had, and I somewhat understand the reasons why. Accepting the fact that all was lost was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Would I date that girl again? Yes, I know that I could completely fall in love with her again, but she has probably lost all respect for me so I know I have no chance.

But I would give anything to spend the first half of 2022 again, when I had been talking to her extensively and for long periods of time (and she had openly expressed deep joy with talking to me). I would never ever subject myself to the levels of covet that I had for the remaining half of that year because as much as I am sugar coating it’s fucking hurts to the deepest constrain because at the end of it, all I got is rejection from the person I deeply admire and a broken friendship with a lot of regrets.

Yes, this person tends to reflect to what I found valuable or at very least attractive and it goes beyond the sexual, she compliment my lack at an ontological level, it signal the sense of advanture emotional maturity or shamless authenticity, elements that until now I did not even know I desired and she becomes the missing piece to this sad little puzzel I call my life, as it all indulgence onto the notion of how could I possibly know that this person is a reflection of my unreal realized ideal and values, is she really the mainfestation of all my hopes and dreams?

Tellenbach notes:

We encounter the world as a situation or process whether it be going through life stages, aging or daily rountines we may at times encounter a striking event that breaks through this situation. This sudden and shocking event is intrumental in some forms of psychopathology, specifically it breaks into one’s personal world leading to a radical metamorphosis and a trasformation of the experience world this in itself is fine we all have unexpected life events that make us revaluate who we are and the world around us.

I think I never be fully ready to face this event of my life and that is probably why I found myself disoriented or even obsessed, I just literally fall for her unwittingly and that is how she even got the potential to destroy my life entirely.

Have you heard the parable about a man who searched the world to find the woman of his dreams? In short he journeyed all over the globe to finally find the woman of his dreams and when he explains this to her, she responds, “but you’re not the man of mine”. “it’s so over” - man who journeyed the globe searching for the woman of his dreams

Limerence

Let’s continue with post rejection story, so after all these I felt super obsessed and her giving me validation was my only source of happiness. Soon enough I found myself in the state of limerence, the ruminative thinking, free-floating anxiety and depression. This just turned my life into a living hell of sleepless night, I experienced seemingly mood swings and obessive behavior to the point were I called her through private caller just so i can talk to her.

Limerence was the catalyst for the most destablising and insecure period of my life

All these events started to make me view her as flawless and godlike, just her voice gave me a limerent feelings of seemingly pre-verbal fimiliarity and started to see the torment over just a thought of her.

Although Limerence seems to be totally about the subject the one facing limerence towards, but it is in fact totally about the person who is limerent. The person experiencing Limerence has unmet realtional needs, wants, desires, often from childhood, that somehow crystalise into a laser focused, intense desire for a single person(i.e, the “subject”)(R5).

The thing that I hate the most is sometimes being a persuer we tend to take sugar coated rejection to the point in which it inadvertently encourages further pursuit, in which the pursuer keeps trying until the uncomfortableness becomes too much and funny enough sometimes the rejected tends to recover somewhat promptly in comparison to the person who was once pursued upon, the pursued at best may have lost a friend or simply feels terrible about rejecting somebody or wrost they may have had to have filed a restraing order.

“Most of us think of ourselves as more desirable than others acutally see us so people we think of as of equal of equal desirability may not see it the same way. Some humality is required”

As per se in my situation i may have gone too far with my infatuation, even the name and domain name of this website somehow reflect the person i was once pursuing for. So i have to profusely apologize for doing this, it was late night rash decision and now since i have set it up i don’t want it to go to waste. So i’m sorry if that have made you uncomfortable.

But what about my infatuation? it just feel out of control for the most part well but i still have agency over her the first thing for me would be to identify that this person is not my solution or salvation and it is highly likely that the fantasy of her that i have developed is inaccurate that she might never live up to my rose-colored expectations but what are those expectations and where do they come from? That will going to be remain a mystery.

But we got two observations from some researchs:

“I realised that I had a lot of personal baggage that I had locked down. The experience has helped me see this, at least.”

“It’s very much a joureney, which feels postivie at first (like an amazing soulmate experience), but becomes more diffcult over time. It seems joyous at the start, but actually robs you of the joy in the long run(R3).”

For me limerence created a window of opportunity for undertaking some serious emotional growing up. From now on will i be sleeping peacefully? Maybe not, maybe I even try to call her up few more times, as it was years of infatuation that lead me to go limerent over her. But at the end of it all I want is good for her, she is shifting places so maybe by any miracle she is acutally reading this i wish her the best and maybe one day we will talk again :)

“But if you saw me on the train would you look the other way?
Like strangers do
And if you passed me on the street
Would you look down at your feet
And move on through?
Like strangers do”

reference

White clouds went far away
I gazed through
a tranquillity noonday
the sun begun to shatter
no vision of future
no adverse memories
Just present condition that felt pure
A state with no grief

Saturday, 15 Oct 2022

Unto a breeze I fell
In a cold, unknown world.
Free and lost I flew
Until my heart was caught
By a rose who shone through
This unconfined cage.
Who’s blind love lead me
To stable ground once more
And, hopefully, forever more

Thursday, 07 Jul 2022

(sonnet)
will it end, just like start?
no idea whats my part
so lets just create a beautiful art
am i even that smart?

is it the right lane?
the road less travel
hope i don’t end up ravel
with no sands just some gravel

my start was slow
my heart feels low
but i have to make a blow
so the wind can flow

will there be light at end
lets appreciate the time we spend


The feeling of being loved, is where life rest;
from the first breath with your mother,
to last breath with your belover.

Monday, 04 Jul 2022

i woke up this morning, thinking its different (A)
found my deadlines are close, making me anxious (B)
making this morning, just as indifferent (A)
started working, to make this morning as gracious (B)

the weather was cloudy, with a bit of rain (C)
the silent roads, with zero strain (D)
cold breeze wind with just a sound of train (C)
the clouds were above me, looking so plain (D)

the weather won’t let me focus on work (E)
its soo clean, but i want to spur (F)
now i am sitting here with zero networks (E)
the time will pass but chance like this, may not occur (F)

will my work will ever be done (G)
making my life a bit fun (G)